[FONT=Georgia][SIZE=6][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Barry’s colonoscopy journal:[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=6][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]======================[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]appointment for a colonoscopy.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]thorough, reassuring and patient manner.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]to hold a microwave oven.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][COLOR=silver][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]we must never allow it to fall into the hands of[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]America[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]'s enemies.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
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[/FONT][COLOR=silver][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]preparation.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][COLOR=silver][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]water, only with [/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]less flavor.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][COLOR=silver][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]Then, in the evening, I took the[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]MoviPrep.You mix two packets of [/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][COLOR=silver][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]powder together in a one-liter[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm [/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][COLOR=silver][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]movement may result.’[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia]This is kind of like saying that after you jump off [/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]food that you have not even eaten yet.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]even more naked than when you are actually naked.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this , but then I pondered what [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]but to burn your house.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I was seriously nervous at this point. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]something up to the needle in my hand.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial]
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[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed [/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia]
[/FONT][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=5][FONT=Georgia][COLOR=silver]with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=silver]
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Funny Story
Chilli
#1
johnnywazza
#2
LMAO!!! Wow, i’ve got tears from not exploding with laughter in the otherwise very quiet office. Toilet humour FTW! :laugh: